Today, I would like to unload some of my current burdens, vent a little. I just need to get them out.
I lost my job in July of last year. Unemployment and savings is completely gone. I have $300 in the bank and that is all going towards rent and it doesn't even cover half of that. I've tried finding a job in my tiny town. There aren't any and the few that sporadically appear, those jobs are given to teenagers or friends of the business owners. I have no car or driver's license to search outside of my town.
I do not blame anyone but myself for the position that I am in. I am about to be homeless. Nowhere to go. I have two teenage daughters and it's difficult on them too. I feel guilty for putting them through this hardship when it was my reckless decisions that put us here. It isn't their fault.
I feel so ashamed, tired, depressed, and emotionally drained.
Most of the time I think that my daughters are better off at their dad's house. It would definitely be physically easier on me, however, I'm too selfish and don't want to be without them.
I don't know how to ask for help. I can't. I feel too ashamed. My way of thinking is this: "I brought this on myself, why should anyone else take care of me." This is also what I feel people think too. I know that not everyone feels that way, but it certainly stops me from reaching out.
Although I have a lot of family in this town, I don't have anyone that would be willing to help, at least none that will not "shove it in my face" a few months from now.
It's hard feeling alone and helpless.
This is all for now.
Blessings,
JDR
